I Hope You Understand

I know we’ve written how to support a widow or widows, but it is inevitable that situations will arise that you cannot possibly know about in advance to prepare for. Little things seem bigger, and my fun melts away super-fast.

Such is today, only about 30 minutes ago, so close to 7:00 PM MST. I open an email with an invite to sign up for a time slot to have your family picture taken for the church directory. Within a few minutes I am wiping the tears from my eyes.

It’s not the photographers. It’s not the idea of updating the directory. It’s not the time of year or my age or what to wear or who will see the photos. It’s none of that superficial nonsense. It is a reality that I am all by myself, alone. Yes, I do have children. The oldest is married with children in another state. Even if they lived here, they are by themselves a family. Another child lives in a different state, too, so not close enough to be in the photo. And yet another child lives overseas in the UK, way too far to be in the photo.

So there you go, realizing what you already know and have known for now over a decade (eleven years, sixty-nine days to be exact---but who keeps track, right?) that you are no longer married, you are a widow, by yourself, alone, solitary. THESE TERMS. Searching for synonyms for the word “widow”—eeewww! Dowager. Relict. Surviving wife. Surviving spouse.

The present photo in the directory is one of me with one of my daughters who still calls Colorado her home. Just because she’s away, do I have to change the photo?

I sent a brief email with two photos to the photographers asking them to use one of them for our family photo, both taken back in June when I visited her in the UK. That will be OK, right? Here’s what my email said:

Hi ladies, 

I hope I am OK to propose one of these photos for the church directory. Of my three children, she is the one “in CO” although she left to get her masters in the UK. These photos were taken in June. 

As a widow I do not relish or want to have a photo all by myself.

I hope you understand. 

Thank you, 

Diane

Of course in my mind I was thinking of all the negative responses to my request—you know the rabbit trails we find ourselves on frequently—”No, we need a current photo” or “It’s OK that you’re a widow and alone in the picture” or “You know other members have lost their spouses, too” etc. etc.

Here is the response I just received, fifteen minutes into writing this blogpost for Paisley Project:

Very understandable Diane. Great photos! Always optional when it comes to photos especially when not everyone can all be together at the same time :) 

Thank you! 

That response makes me very happy.

And so, here’s my takeaway from this experience:

I Hope You Understand a widow may never know all that she needs.

I Hope You Understand a widow’s tears can come unexpectedly.

I Hope You Understand a widow not only is alone, but feels lonely.

I Hope You Understand a widow appreciates kindness from others.

I Hope You Understand that unless you are a widow you may not

understand and that is OK. Just try to understand, if you can.